je ne sais quoi blossoms from the
unblemished pores of children, breezy
in the world's new spotless sunshine.
evanescent laughter floats the summer air,
popping wings on harsh words, but
reawakened in the glitter of the earth,
the burnished crystals formed in compacted dirt
and compacted lovers' legs and arms.
glassy eyes are as easy to shatter as
scratching the surface of a bubble:
but their tear droplets of mysticism have
long been confined to lachrymatories,
stashed in the dreams too fanciful and childlike
to conjure in the morning, trickling down
into the backwaters of disney land.
those with closeness to death expose
more hairless skins. and as every pore breathes out,
another one breathes in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Death by over-exposition of adjectives.
You don't see that on CSI.
And however tempting it is to leave this post to a sole two lines of text, I must actually critique this here poem. But as I look back, I really can't understand a word you're saying (ahem...writing). This is YWS, not MENSA.
French in the beginning of a poem is never a good sign.
Legs...and...arms. I know what those are. Finally, familiar words. Anyway, the first and last lines were actually pretty good. But wow, someone had fun with their thesaurus.
Alright, now you're just exaggerating.
I must say though, this was a fantastic ending. Very short, but to the point. It's always good to end on an intriguing note.
I love this.
The last stanza was fantastic; I particularly liked the parallels between the pore imagery and that old saying, 'when one door closes another opens.'
I think this goes with the adjective thing... there were so many words, and I didn't see how they all connected, and it was like I was reading in another language. Maybe more stanza breaks? The last three lines did sound nice, though.
I must agree with Jasmine! You totally overdid it on the adjectives, almost to the point where the poem became more about the adjectives that you were using and less on the poem's actual point. O_o
Come on, I know you can do better. Work your magic!
It is beautiful, but I think that you over-used your adjectives.
" I don't know what"
Je ne sais quoi is french for "I don't know"
hmm...this is interesting, for lack of a better word. What does "Je ne sais quoi" mean? You have a wide vocabulary, but some of this is hard to understand, in my opinion. I like the last stanza, although i'm not quite sure why.